God is puzzled by lawns and turns to St. Francis for help…
God: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the wildflowers I created eons ago? I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. Francis: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
God: Grass? But…it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass?
ST. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it... They begin each spring by fertilizing the grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
God: Hmm… The spring rains and warm weather make grass grow. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it—sometimes twice a week. Then they gather it into piles and throw it away.
God: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it and throw it away?
St. Francis: Yes Sir.
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
St. Francis: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and water it, so it grows more, and then they continue to mow it…
God: What nonsense! Well, at least the Suburbanites kept some of the trees. That makes sense—The trees leaves provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a blanket to keep moisture and CO2 in the soil and protect the plants. (he sighs with relief).
St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake or blow them into great piles and have them hauled away to landfills. After throwing the leaves out, they go out and buy mulch, made of ground-up trees. They spread that around in place of the leaves.
God: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It’s a story about—
God: Never mind! I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.